Thursday, September 12, 2013

River of Tears around my little boy, and how chapel, Ann Voskamp, Taylor Swift and 12 years ago brings me there. . .

There are just some days. Some days when the smallest, sweetest things will just nudge me into the River. I live on the edge of this River. The Mississippi River, you ask? No. I live on the edge of the River of Tears. It's just how I was designed. It's not a bad thing. I can just cry at the drop of a hat. Sweet. Sentimental. Sappy. Sad. Struggles. Empathy. Joy! Any one of them can bring on my tears.

Yesterday, it was a combo of a chapel program, the date on the calendar, Taylor Swift and Ann Voskamp, all revolving around our oldest little. You can look at each one of those and almost imagine why each one would bring tears (well maybe only Taylor Swift if you are a love-struck teen, like myself).

So I began my fall into the River quite early yesterday morning. Luke's class was leading the chapel program at school. He attends a school that teaches the Lord and teaches our children to be lights of the Lord to others in this world. I am very thankful for this sweet school! But, back to it. Our principal started chapel with a prayer and the pledge and then began by remembering the day 12 years ago. 12 years ago, Luke's teacher's class was leading chapel when the planes struck the towers. She explained to the children that though they weren't yet alive, all of the parents in the room will never forget where they were 12 years ago, at that exact moment, when they heard the news our country had been attacked. And I started teetering. I will never forget that day 12 years ago. And every time I remember, really remember, it pushes me over the edge.

And then the sweet children acted out a scene from the Bible, with Jesus performing miracles and people who initially doubted but were then struck with belief. And they praised the Lord! I was dangling on the edge. We all kissed our littles and waved good-bye, thankful for the sweet, refreshing Message.

And then, I headed out. My mom had Baby and I was able to run some errands. Well, what CD did I turn on? Taylor Swift. Yep, love her. She keeps me young. I'm still feeling 22, how about you? Anyway, she has a song, All Too Well. It's good, people. Beautiful. Love had and lost. The kind of song I play with volume all the way up, my hands moving with the passion that pours out of her. And even though I'm happily married and didn't experience the heartbreak Taylor Swift has, with lyrics like,

"And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest"
I feel like I have experienced that heartbreak every time I listen to that song. Okay. Is anyone still with me? Again, this is how I'm designed, and maybe no one else is like me, but I highly doubt it, since T-Swift has quite the following. Ahem. 

So, I was listening and singing along and just started thinking about our Lukey. My firstborn, who's still a baby, yet almost 8. One day, he's going to be the subject of a love song. I hope it's not a song like All Too Well. But, my mind just started thinking about how Luke loves his Bun-Bun lovie so much now, and isn't sure whether he will ever marry because he will be busy being a marine biologist. Yet, I know that one day, when he forgets about Bun-Bun (I'm now fully falling over the edge), he will fall in love and he will know how to love, because his Daddy teaches him about the Lord's love and shows him how to love a woman. See how quickly I can go from living in heartbreak land to imagining my little boy grown up enough to have a serious girlfriend? And not a lovie?

And then, fast-forwarding through the day until I finally get to sit down and read. Sure enough, Ann Voskamp appeared in my inbox. She wrote so beautifully about her firstborn leaving home for college this week. Friends, forget the nudge over the edge, she had me swimming in the River so fast, I couldn't see for all the tears! I am so thankful for this time I have, right now. This time of raising my babies and loving my husband and family. Our time with the family we have is now! I am just praying that I can be fully present in each day.  This post just brought my day full circle. The Lord, that day 12 years ago, tears, and little boys growing up--it was a life-jacket for me yesterday, swimming in my River.

Lukey, I am so thankful for you! I pray you know every day how much you are loved!

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